Kindergarten Lobby Files Suit Against DARPA Over Paper-Mâché Supply Collapse

Children for Sustainable Crafts alleges early internet investments indirectly wiped out the national newsprint pipeline, sparking what plaintiffs call a “crafts emergency.”


Leaked Airline Documents Reveal Group 4 Pricing Is a Behavioral Tax, Not a Seat Assignment

Internal training materials describe late bookers as “low-friction payers,” confirming that paying more to board later is a revenue strategy designed to monetize inattention.


Study Finds Platform Loyalty Entirely Imaginary for 12,000 “Power Users”

Institute for Computational Behavior Analysis tracks 847 million events and concludes that switching operating systems would have changed nothing except users’ feelings about themselves.

Satire
Operating Systems
Behavior
Productivity


Fourth Graders Put Good Behavior ROI on Probation After “Mid” Christmas Returns

Playground investment committee questions incentive alignment after a year of above-average compliance produces socks, calendars, and a pervasive loss of faith.


Nintendo Launches “Authentic Impact” Pollution Program to Deter Emulation

Company vows to recreate the original manufacturing pollution of legacy titles whenever emulation is detected, pairing anti-piracy efforts with historically accurate environmental degradation.

Satire
Nintendo
Environment
Intellectual Property


Justice Department Indicts Comparison for Theft of Joy

Landmark case targets the cognitive force behind ambient dissatisfaction, alleging a multi-decade conspiracy to extract satisfaction across every domain of American life.


International Review Confirms Satan Has Never Worn Clothes

Interdisciplinary team catalogs millennia of depictions to conclude the Devil has maintained a strict wardrobe abstention policy across every era, medium, and culture.


Federal Government Formally Recognizes Red-Light Twerking as Protected Civic Expression

Department of Internal Affairs declares the stoplight ritual an official symbol of national pride after a year-long study documented its resilience across regions, playlists, and insurance premiums.


Treasury, APA Launch Project Equilibrium to Normalize Debt Anxiety

Government and mental health leaders debut a national framework that treats debt anxiety as maladaptive cognition rather than a warning sign of systemic problems.


Google Maps Adds "Asshole-Owned (Verified)" Badge After Algorithmic Behavioral Audit

New classification surfaces temperament data through review analysis, community knowledge validation, and opt-in filters that promise "honest navigation."


Most Inconvenient Outings Framework Declares Parking Scarcity a Feature, Not a Bug

Local architect of recreational hardship publishes methodology promising maximum logistical resistance for minimum payoff, prompting partners to wonder if convenience is now contraband.


Local Man Floods Platforms With One-Star Reviews to “Correct” Rating Inflation

Self-appointed scorekeeper claims deflationary pressure on five-star systems is a civic duty, despite minimal statistical impact and documented confusion among targeted businesses.


Local Developer Seen Reading Documentation After AI Coding Assistant Fails Fourth Consecutive Time

Incident reignites industry debate over "AI-Assisted Learned Helplessness" as developer resorts to "primary source consultation" — the act of reading documentation written by people who actually buil…

Satire
AI
Developer Culture
Documentation


Peter Files Historic Class-Action Lawsuit Against All Parties Involved in Robbing Him to Pay Paul

Man known only as Peter seeks damages for centuries of non-consensual resource reallocation, introducing novel legal theories including "patience compounding" and "proverbial harm" in what legal scho…


Neighborhood Quietly Conducting Respect Assessment for New Arrivals

Residents adopt a neutral-respect posture while collecting data on the new family’s employment, lineage, and lawn care indicators before assigning a final tier.


Microsoft, OpenAI Pilot “Vibe Employee” Classification With No Deliverables

Joint experiment grants full pay and benefits for ambient contributors who generate more value before anyone tells them what to do.


Hardware Chain Launches “Project Capable” to Sell Identity Over Utility

Internal documents outline a campaign designed to convert competence anxiety into premium tool sales, prioritizing aspirational ownership and psychological triggers over project completion.


Study Confirms Confident Wrongness Outranks Accuracy in Professional Success Metrics

Institute for Professional Achievement documents “assertive incorrectness” as the dominant driver of promotions, panel appearances, and funding outcomes across fourteen industries.


CEO Refuses to Parse JSON, Ignites Debate Over AI and Performative Suffering

Executive’s profane rejection of manual parsing sparks wider argument over whether professional competence requires enduring inefficient work in an AI-assisted era.


Non-Performative Marriage Raises Concern Over Undocumented Happiness

Couple accused of withholding envy value from the comparison economy after seven years without staged photos, captioned milestones, or evidence of community-inclusive relationship signaling.


Labor Department Weighs White-Collar Waiver to Preserve Finance Employment

Proposed Workforce Continuity and Economic Stability Framework would defer enforcement of selected finance-sector offenses deemed procedural, accounting-adjacent, or incentive-misaligned.


Electoral College Downgraded to Electoral High School After Failing Basic Democracy

Federal commission cites outcome divergence, institutional innumeracy, and need for remedial supervision in first constitutional reclassification of its kind.


Local Man Demands Federal Oversight of AI and the Sun, Citing Four-Billion-Year Regulatory Failure

Gerald Hutchins unveils an 847-page framework arguing that unregulated celestial bodies and unregulated algorithms follow identical threat trajectories requiring identical policy responses.


Federal Reserve Confirms Silent Stimulus to Compensate Unemployment Functions

Internal briefing documents describe an invisible stimulus that uses administrative grace, timing anomalies, and statistical smoothing to reward unemployed Americans for the systemic labor they alrea…


Integrity Identified as Drag Coefficient in Founder Fundraising Dynamics

Local founder criticized for refusing to inflate projections faces valuation penalty as investors reward narrative ambition over accuracy.


Microsoft Unveils Country Restore Points™ to Roll Back National Governance

New sovereign cloud feature promises nation-scale undo operations after executive-level system failures, offering snapshots, auto-rollbacks, and warning dialogs for heads of state.


Association of Rich Persons Raises 'Rich' Threshold to $20 Million

Nation's oldest private wealth advocacy organization votes 847–3 to reclassify millionaires as 'financially exposed,' citing widespread millionaire dilution and the social utility collapse of the ter…


Google Explores Legal Options Against Users Who Took Their Questions to ChatGPT

Preliminary filing argues departing search users owe compensation for decades of unpaid behavioral consulting and proposes curiosity non-competes, query mirroring, and autocomplete cooling-off period…


Terminally Wealthy Actor Admits He Only Works to Keep Staff on Payroll — “This Is Maintenance”

Candid admission reframes A-list stardom as mobile employment policy, raising questions about benevolent feudalism, payroll-driven art, and whether one man’s boredom can prop up dozens of mortgages.


Multimillionaire Discovers He Lacks Wealth for 'Consequence-Free' Tax Optimization

Complaint spotlights the accountability gap between eight-figure wealth and billionaire-class complexity that functions as procedural immunity.


Local Man Publishes Wearable Terms of Service Granting Consent to Anyone Nearby

Brooklyn resident prints dense legalese on a T-shirt, asserting passive acceptance of his personal data-collection regime by anyone within visual range.


Government Pursues Posthumous Charges After AI Detector Flags Declaration of Independence at 92.4%

Defense and Education officials prepare retroactive prosecutions after federal software deems the nation’s founding document suspiciously synthetic, triggering curriculum disclaimers, historical audi…


Microsoft Sues DOJ for $847 Billion Over Antitrust Case That Prevented Its "Manifest Destiny"

Tech giant files 417-page complaint seeking damages for "competitive humiliation" and "executive psychological distress" caused by being forced to participate in a market economy.


Professional Scammers Petition for Licensing to Stop Amateur Competition

Association of Certified Financial Deceivers asks state and federal agencies to regulate fraud, citing reputational damage from untrained operators and promising higher-quality deception.


Federal Economists Document Reverse-Rags-to-Responsibility Whiplash Syndrome

New analysis finds entrepreneurial wealth increases obligation and sustains uncompensated executive labor for hundreds of thousands of founders.


Labor Department Formalizes Professional Antagonistic Pairing to Harness Workplace Enemies

New federal guidelines legitimize designated “Work Enemies,” citing productivity gains from regulated antagonism and structured competitive tension.


Study Confirms Headline-Only Commenters Are Optimized for Engagement, Not Insight

Platform-funded research on 2.4 million users finds comment sections dominated by participants who never read past the headline yet reliably outperform substantive contributors across every engagemen…


Colorado Man Reportedly Only Needed a Good Cry

Private vehicular catharsis produces immediate mental health gains, confirms longstanding theories about male emotional suppression, and reignites debate over whether men are allowed to feel things i…


New Checkout Charity Prompt Lets Shoppers Choose Between Employee Housing or CEO Yacht Fund

Dual-option self-checkout donations formalize a choice between helping workers survive and maintaining executive maritime excellence, complete with empathy-optimized personalization and ironic yacht…


Community Unsure What Local Man's Hustle Produces After 8,760 Hours of Documented Grind

Three-month investigation into the Hustle Paradox chronicles thousands of applications, unpaid internships, and daily posts that yield zero offers but infinite grind.


Texas Man Sends Heartfelt Thank-You Letter to Hacker Who Helped Him Remember Forgotten Password

Eastern European breach resolves months-long password amnesia, sparks White House medal proposal for “benevolent unauthorized access,” and inspires a national wave of pre-emptive hacker gift baskets.


Apple Introduces iCharge, a Financial Services Slab for Direct Monetary Extraction with No Corresponding Product

Cupertino keynote unveils brushed aluminum device that charges customers whenever proprietary algorithms detect “optimal value extraction conditions,” prompting regulatory inquiries, fintech copycats…


Local Man Gives Up on Protecting His Data: “It’s Too Much Work,” He Says Before Accepting Targeted Ads as Fate

Case study details Mark Legrande’s privacy surrender, documenting exhaustion-based consent architectures that convert rational resistance into fatigue-driven compliance across U.S. consumers.


National Council Reports Holiday Recalibration as Local Asshole Demonstrates Sudden Prosocial Streak

Thirty-seven-year-old longtime menace begins holding doors, returning carts, and tipping 15 percent, triggering cautious optimism and aggressive monitoring protocols ahead of the January relapse wind…


Federal Government Introduces Therapeutic Deviance Accommodation Framework Permitting Controlled Micro-Crimes

Seventeen agencies jointly announce that Americans may commit one micro-transgression per quarter to relieve compliance fatigue, turning enforcement discretion into an explicit policy experiment in “…

Satire
Law Enforcement
Behavioral Science


Retired CEO Sues Former Employees for Violating His First Amendment Rights

Legal scholars divided as Randall M. Bevington claims communications team systematically censored his preferred expletives, threats, and chaotic motivational metaphors from corporate materials.


Department of Education Launches “Pretend Harder” Framework to Regulate Sufficiently Disguised Copying

Paraphrasing Authenticity Compliance Framework formalizes synonym quotas, sentence laundering, and performative ideation drills so institutions can preserve the appearance of originality while measur…


Federal Reserve and Department of Labor Announce Joint Initiative to Manufacture Unemployment for National Artistic Advancement

Operation Starving Artist introduces creative unemployment lotteries, Artisanal Unemployment Stipends, and vibes-responsive monetary policy to revive national cultural output through calibrated econo…


Department of Justice Mandates Disclosure of Every Autocorrect Intervention in Written Communication

New transparency directive reclassifies spellcheck, grammar suggestions, and predictive text as reportable machine authorship, forcing Americans to footnote typos while businesses, schools, and coupl…


Proto-Sinaitic Descendants Demand Citations for Every Alphabetic Character Used in Modern Communication

DPAC files simultaneous legal actions in 147 countries seeking royalties, metadata footers, and per-character audits, igniting global debate over who owns the alphabet and what happens if civilizatio…


Major Banks to Launch Hotline for “Financially Struggling Customers” — to Better Identify Whose Stuff to Take

Consortium debuts empathy-driven intelligence gathering that weaponizes customer vulnerability, auto-initiates asset recovery, and redefines “help” as preemptive repossession planning across U.S. len…


“Why Are They Still Calling Emails Cables?” — Civic Observer Melts Down Over Diplomatic Terminology at UN Summit

Geneva incident prompts emergency linguistic accessibility review, exposing Cold War jargon, institutional status anxieties, and a global public utterly baffled by diplomatic communication rituals.


Project Demand Launches Autonomous Consumer Initiative to Prevent Market Collapse as Humans Lose Purchasing Power

Synthetic consumer program manufactures machine-driven demand nodes to stabilize GDP as automation decouples employment from consumption, ushering in markets optimized for entities that exist solely…


Department of Labor to Mandate Chief “Looking Busy” Officers in Every Company

Proposed Chief Looking Busy Officer regulation codifies productivity theater, mandating executive oversight of workplace appearances while exposing the federal government’s acceptance of motion as a…


Proto-Sinaitic Script Representatives Launch Lawsuit Against OpenAI for Unauthorized Use of the Alphabet

Coalition claims every letter generated by large language models infringes on 3,800-year-old glyph rights, threatening to redefine derivative works and retroactive ownership in AI-era jurisprudence.


LEAKED: USDA Internal Assessment—National Pig Representation Council Congressional Petition RE: Elimination of Species-Attributive Colloquialisms in Professional Discourse

Internal USDA brief evaluates NPRC demand to ban “piggy-backing” language, weighing economic damage claims, legal precedent, and policy responses to recognize porcine intellectual contributions.


National Relationship Council Declares Nationwide “Watering Crisis”

Federal agency warns of “complete breakdown in mutual effort and emotional hydration.” 72% of Americans report feeling “dry as hell.” “Everyone wants to be the flower, no one wants to be the gardener…


Displaced Knowledge Class Files Lawsuit Over AI-Induced Intellectual Devaluation

Plaintiffs argue artificial intelligence destroyed the market value of information asymmetry and demand compensation for decades of unpaid cognitive labor.


Anonymous Industry Report Concludes Decade of Framework Innovation Was Primarily Coordination Mechanism for Complexity Theater

Four-hundred-page document argues that fundamental web technologies remained sufficient throughout period when developer tooling expanded from three core components to ecosystem requiring specialized…


Corporate Meltdown: CEO Declares War on Greek Letters with Haiti-Born Accountability Totem

After a transformative sabbatical, a Silicon Valley chief bans jargon, mandates plain English, and lets a carved guardian judge every meeting.


IRS Pilot Program Lets Taxpayers Claim Alternate Online Personas as Dependents

Treasury launches Dependent Alternative Identity Recognition Program, offering $1,200 deductions and psychological overhead credits for qualifying alts while triggering unprecedented surveillance par…


Microsoft Announces Windows Piracy Edition™

“If You Can't Stop Them, Sell Them the Bootloader” — Redmond unveils special Windows version designed for users who were going to steal it anyway.


Hard Drive Companies to Share Profits with Movie Studios After Piracy Declared "Co-Creation"

In a historic deal, major hard drive manufacturers have agreed to share profits with Hollywood studios — not out of guilt for piracy, but in recognition that pirates are unpaid content distributors.


Technology Executive Declares Punctuation Preferences Constitute Authenticity Signal After AI Writing Tools Homogenize Corporate Voice

Viral statement from Fluxion Systems CEO identifying em dashes as markers of artificial composition reflects broader executive concern about losing authorial control to algorithmic optimization of co…


Bookseller Announces Embedded Tracking Technology in Physical Books, Redefining Ownership as Conditional License Subject to Geographic Monitoring

Barnes & Noble's BookTrack initiative represents extension of surveillance capitalism into last remaining analog consumer experience, with company asserting ongoing relationship with physical objects…


Advocacy Group Proposes Tax Code Recognition of Debt as Dependent, Arguing Financial Obligations Generate Caregiving Burdens Equivalent to Child-Rearing

National Association of Childless Adults submits formal petition arguing that sustained emotional attachment to financial liabilities warrants same tax treatment and workplace accommodations as biolo…


Leak Reveals Companies Hiring "Professional Orators" After Discovering Middle Managers Who Just Talk Leave No Paper Trail

Internal report titled "Operational Integrity Through Ephemeral Communication" cites discovery that managers who talk instead of write are significantly harder to hold accountable. "You can't subpoen…


“We Didn’t Expect It to Get That Far,” Admits CEO After Employees Begin Actively Defying Time to Match Company Work Ethic

Silicon Valley employers accidentally create a temporal arms race after executives brag about 127-hour work weeks, prompting staff to bend causality in pursuit of performance reviews.


Nation’s Billionaires Quietly Begin “Social Liquidity Redistribution” to Avoid Awkward Encounters with Broke Acquaintances

Consortium launches Friend Endowment Funds to algorithmically elevate companions into functional wealth parity, citing “logistical constraints” of traveling with people who still budget.


U.S. Intelligence Agencies Say “Fuck It” and Launch Kernel-Level App Offering Tax Incentives — Preliminary Reports Show Defense Budget Down 98%

FreedomCore kernel-level surveillance app swaps voluntary data surrender for massive tax incentives, collapsing defense spending and redefining civic duty as monetized self-monitoring.


Florida Man Lists “Unpaid Babysitter” as Employment, Citing Wife’s Perpetual Childishness — State Officials “Uncomfortably Considering Legitimacy”

Gerald Lambert’s 847-page incident dossier and “Adult Supervision Specialist” résumé force Florida bureaucrats, tax lawyers, and the internet to decide whether emotional labor counts as employment or…


“Are These People Ever Gonna Ship?” — Major AI Company Internally Melts Down Over Users’ Chronic Failure to Generate “the Good Shit”

Internal memos reveal a trillion-dollar lab in freefall as executives beg users to create anything meaningful while a lone anonymous genius keeps the company from abandoning humanity altogether.


Return-to-Field Mandate Announced for Secret Service: Pentagon Says “Agents Need to Touch Grass Again”

Operation Touch Grass forces screen-bound operatives back outdoors after a viral Dubai failure reveals rampant self-generated cybercrime, collapsing morale, and a government desperate to rediscover p…


Ohio Man Finally Finishes Download That Began in 2004 — Windows Originally Estimated 39 Years

Larry Brenner refused to cancel a 700MB LimeWire installer for 21 years, outlasting marriages, ISPs, and operating systems until Windows finally surrendered.


The Great Analyst Reckoning — “We Trained Our Own Replacements to Lie Like Us”

Former analysts confess that their vibes-based consulting rituals survived them, turning modern AI systems into impeccably confident bullshit engines that corporations still adore.


Calculator Manufacturers to Require Users to Disclose When They’ve Used a Calculator — “Generative Calculations Are a Threat to Education,” Experts Warn

A sweeping transparency crusade forces humanity to confess every button press, spawning disclosure audits, calculator speakeasies, and a nationwide moral panic about arithmetic suffering.


Major Banks Launch “Wealth Aura Compliance Program” to Eliminate Post-Liquidity Modesty

JPMorgan, Goldman Sachs, and Wells Fargo debut Douchebag Training, an eight-week intensive that weaponizes posture, therapy, and philanthropy to ensure the newly rich abandon residual humanity.


OpenAI Encourages Users to Sue—“Bring It, Bitch,” Allegedly Says an Executive

Litigate & Iterate reframes lawsuits as training data, promising accountability, adversarial gold, and the most legally masochistic product launch in recent memory.


Local Man Becomes Full-Time Unemployed After Giving Up Job Search, Reports Record Happiness

Marcus Leveille abandons the labor market, launches a one-man Department of Personal Studies, and accidentally inspires a movement dedicated to opting out of exploitative work.


CIA, NSA, FBI Release Joint Report Confirming: “Very Few People Actually Have Haters”

Three-year, $47 million interagency study concludes that 98.7% of self-reported “enemies” are imaginary. “It’s all in your mind, big dawg,” says NSA senior analyst.


Department of Labor Announces Halloween as Month-Long Celebration to Stimulate the Economy

$847 billion fiscal intervention transforms October into 31-day consumption holiday. "If we can't fix inflation, we can at least sell more candy," says Labor Secretary in policy brief.


Federal Reserve Launches Stimulus Program Encouraging Men to Spend Money on Their Wives and Girlfriends

$847 billion Romantic Liquidity Program targets "household tension index" as key economic indicator. "Love is now fiscal policy," announces Chair Powell in unprecedented monetary intervention.


Federal Study Finds Men’s Romantic Capacity Depends on Financial Stability and Community Integration

Federal Reserve, Department of Labor Statistics, and National Relationship Council release 800-page report linking romance deficits to economic precarity; central bank responds with Romantic Recovery…


Case Study #2025-MS-47: Self-Imposed Digital Restitution Through Subscription Maintenance — Examining Persistent Payment Behavior in Post-Piracy Psychological Frameworks

Internal research division documents Evan Morris’s 11-year iTunes tithe, revealing $2.3 billion guilt-driven subscription economy reshaping moral commerce.


AI Companies and Productivity Software Makers Reveal People Are More Productive When They Plagiarize

Joint report analyzing 4.2 billion documents reframes plagiarism as “strategic content derivation,” promising efficiency gains, morale boosts, and legal headaches for originality purists.


Google Announces Plans to Add Extra Five Minutes to GPS Routes to Boost National Morale

Navigation platform to systematically overestimate travel times, enabling users to experience “victory over technology” as mental health intervention.